my reflection

When you look at me you see a pretty girl. She stands to be about 5 foot 4, has dark chocolate brown hair that hangs to the middle of her back. Her skin complection is medium not fair but not dark either. Her smile brightens the room and her laughter fills the air. But her eyes tell it all. They are big, a deep brown matching the color of her hair almost perfectly. Her eyes tell how she feels, she can have the biggest smile on her face, but when you look in those eyes you can't help but see the pain and sadness; or the anger resentment, and if you catch her on an off day you might just get lucky enough to see her eyes smile. That's when you can look at her and thiknk to yourself now that girl, shes flawless. However when i look in the mirror, i don't see that beauty everyone else talks about i see all my flaws. I don't see myself phyically flawless i don't think it's possible for anyone to see themself flawless in anyway. No matter my mood i put on a smile, get myself dolled up and go out into my everyday life. Hopeing that no one will see how i really feel. Telloing myself if i put on a mask i can fool the world, but can i fool my heart? Look at me you may think you see who i really am. Everyday it's almost as if i play a different roll, everyone believeing they have me all figured out. When in reality no one does. I'm not even sure i do anymore. I mean the world looks at me and says wow what a pretty face. I look at me and ask who this girl really is. I used to know her. But the girl i knew fell in love, fell out of love, trusted, was lied to. After it was all said and done my heart was broken. I lost myself inside myself. By keeping it all in, holding back the tears, fighting new friendships or running off a new found love, I lost who I truely am and became the girl everyone thinks she should be. With time I have discoverd I lost myself. Im working twords becomeing the girl I want to be once again. I will be that girl again who's voice can make a grown man cry. The one who's smile will brighten a room and laughter fills the air. I'll be the strong, confident, independent girl I used to be. Soon my reflection will show who i am inside.

What is a soul mate? Is there such thing? This question used to ponder in my mind all the time. friend would say i think i found the one and I'd laugh and say key word think. You think you love him but does he love you back. Some girls believe in that fairytale kinda love, me not so much. Ive always been the kind that don't believe in love. Seeing my friends fall in love and it not working out or watching my mother go through divorce more than once. Holding together the pieces of the hearts of the people i love when someone rips out their heart and throw it back in their faces. I just never understood why someone would put themselves through the things they do the heart ache and tears never seemed worth it all. So I've always kept up my guard. Never letting anyone in running away anytime i get close and start to somewhat fall for someone. The few times i had fallen I'd get my heart broken time and time again. Trusting is something that has never came easy to me especially when it came to men. After all the lies I'd been told and the promises that were broken I'd decided that I was done falling in love done trusting men and done with relationships in general. And then i met Jason Cook. I had tried and tried to fight it. I didn't want to fall for him. Didn't want to trust him, it was all coming to easy to me. Loving him was easy trusting him was easy; and for the first time since i was four years old, I felt safe in the arms of a man. The last time i felt safe around a man my father turned into the man i now hate. But when I'm in his arms i feel a safety that i no long believed existed. Mama has always said that when I fell in love I'd know it. She said Haley you'll know it when your heart pounds because he smiles at you. And your knees get weak when he kisses you. Then when he holds you tightly in your arms you'll feel a safe contentment you've never felt before. She then kissed my for head tucked me in and said but always remember baby girl no man can ever love you like your mama can. It was the day before he left to go back to the army after his two week Christmas leave that i realized i was in love. Me in love with a man that might actually love me back. I was loved by a man and that astounded me. When i told him i love him he started a conversation I'll never forget. He kissed my lips gently, looked at me with those big blue eyes and said Haley i didn't think it was possible to fall in love at such young age I'm nineteen and even though I've only been with you for a month I've loved you since may 30Th. When I cocked my head and looked at him with a smile and slight confusion he said it was the day i first laid my eyes on you. You were working at McDonald's and although you were pissed and frustrated most likely because of something from work, you smiled when you waited on me. When i told you you had a beautiful smile and should do it more often, your too pretty to frown. You looked at the floor and your face got red and you looked so damn cute. When you smiled at me i knew I had to have you. Not just for a fling kinda thing but i had to have you forever. After that it took Jason weeks to get up the nerve to talk to me again if i wasn't waiting on him he didn't speak to me. Then one day i was cleaning the lobby and was so mad. I hadn't had my break after i had been there for 5 hours, i got 3 hours of sleep the night before and we were busy non-stop. Jason was sitting in the lobby with some people i worked with it was their day off and i was cleaning the table next time them. Speeding around hustling and bustling trying to get the lobby spotless so I could go on break. Jason stood up took the towel out of my hand set it on the table grabbed my shoulders looked me in the eye and said now what did i say about that smile. I couldn't help it and i started to laugh it was the first time that day that a smile crossed my face. i grabbed the towel through it on the counter and said Margo I'm taken my 30. She nodded and i went from then on Jason and i were friends. He wasn't just a friend he was a best friend. Then I got send off to my aunts house for 2 weeks because me and my parents weren't getting along. They took my phone and while i was gone they deleted all my numbers of the people they didn't know or like. He was leaving for basic a few days after i came home and had called mama but she didn't give me the message. We lost touch and the day he graduated from basic a friend of ours got back in touch with me the same day and gave him my number and we talked on the phone for 5 hours. It love took it's course. From then on Jason was someone i talked to on a daily basis. He came home on leave and we spent every waking moment together. Mama loves him my sister adores him and all my friends like him too. I no longer wonder if soul mates are existent. I know I know it's crazy coming from a 17 year old junior but what could be better than spending the rest of your life with your best friend.