My baby, My reason to fight

I find myself watching her sleep. A 13 year old angel, lying in bed, innocent, peaceful, and beautiful. Her skin so soft and fair, her eyes flicker while she dreams and when she wakes and looks at you, they are so big, such a deep brown. He hair falls down at her waist now and shes growing so fast, getting taller, starting to blossom. Kelly is my little sister but she might as well be mine. She was two and a half when I met her for the first time. Standing there on the porch with her eyes full of fear and wonderment she looked up at me and held her cup up and said "milk." Then she smiled at me and I knew right then that my life was going to change. And it did too, from that day on I had someone that needed me just as much as I needed them. Summers with my dad before she came along were long and tiring. A constant fight for my own survival. But the day Kelly walked into my life it became so much easier to get out of bed in the morning. Because now I had a little girl that depended on me to get up. She is the one and only reason i even somewhat believe in God. Because he sent me an angel that day. He sent me someone worth fighting for. Without Kelly I had no reason to get out of bed. No reason to fight for my own life. She gave me reason to get up and make sure she was safe and by doing that she saved me. Knowing that little girl needed me made me realize that if i didn't fight him didn't try to survive his sick games and protect her, I'd die and who would she have left to protect her. My baby needs me and I need my baby.

janie and tea cake

"Love is like the sea, it's always moving, and different on every shore." Love is something that cdhanges a person. Love is the most powerful and damaging emotion known to man. However when used honestly and wholesomely it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. People aslways say they want a Jonny and June kind of love. I on the other hand would much rather have a Janie and Tea Cake kind of love. A love so full of passion that with a simple kiss your knees go weak and your heart begins to pound so hard and so fast that you don't think your going to be able to contain it inside your chest. A love full of tons of laughter and smiles. A love that is real, one where the age don't matter and the looks are a simple added bonus. I used to believe that a love like that only exsisted in the movies. A place where all is good and love never goes wrong; something like a fairytale. I was wrong I have a Janie and Tea Cake kind of love. I get to be myself and he loves me for it. He loves things about me that others saw as faults. Like my independence and stubborn closed mind. I speak without thinking and say things I don't mean when I'm mad. I judge to quickly and have a short fuse. But he loves that he says I'm a ticking time bomb and he loves to just sit back and wait for the explosion. I never thought for a split second I'd find a man that could love me with all my faults and complicated life. I guess he see's a life time with me as a new adventure everyday. Janie lucked out when she found tea Cake and I lucked out when Jason finally got the nerve to talk to me. He is truely an amazing person and loving him comes easy. It's the only easy aspect of my life and giving him up like Janie had to give up Tea Cake is just umbareable to think of. I would have let him shoot me, because if something ever happens to him they might as well burry me right along side him because it'll damn near kill me.

come clean

Some people look at old pictures and cry because they miss the people they made memories with. Well I believe that if a person is a part of your past there is a reason they didn't make it to your future. I believe that no matter what your past is you can have a spotless future if you work for it. You have to want it though have to want to mend the hearts yoiu broke. Fix the bridges you burned. This is hard to do but i do beleive that it is possible. The only reason it's hard is because trust is so easily broken but so hard to be mened again. So the next time you make a mistake be sure to appologize to those you hurt and fix the broken relationships. Life is much to short to stand by and watch life fly by just going day by day. You should live it.

When the time is right

People always say there is a right time and a wrong time. That it's just the wrong time thye will wait it out till timing is better. When in reality they are letting their fears take hold of them. Fear for being hurt, fear for hurting someone they care about. Fear of being lonely or fear of causing another to be lonely. I believe that they are full of crap. They think that it makes it easier to wait it out but it only makes it harder.
When a man raises that hand to you it's hurting you more emotionaly than physically. The bruises will heal. It's a broken heart, a shattered dream, and losing yourself to become what someone else wnats you to be that takes forever to heal. Time is just an excuse used get out of it. Love isn't hurting the people you want to make them stay. Love is trusting that you loving them is enough to get the to want to stay.
Nothing hurts more than loosing who you are for another because if something happens to the relationship then you are on your own still confused about who you are, and what you want to do with your life.

I thought the thing at Breshia was boring he had a couple intresting stories but i stayed awake. I have to say im pretty proud of myself for that it was hard to not pick up my book and read it but that would have been pretty disrespectful.

Mama im strong

Mama used to tell me not to fall for a boy that would beat me up real bad

Yell and scream and get in my face or make me feel sad

that's when i told mama you don't gotta worry bout me

Cause im the kind that will always stand on my own two feet

ill work real hard and get an education i don't need a mans money

Cause I'm the kinda girl that will fight back

Im a self sufficient girl and i can do it all on my own

the underestimated girl that won't hold back

Mama can't you see I'm strong

Mama used to tell me not to stay with a man cause I need him

cause I need him to take care of me need him for his money

But be with him cause I love him because he sweet gental and funny

That's when I told mama I hooked a good one i hooked the best

It's time to let me go to give me away

when she began to cry I wiped away her tear told her I'd be ok

Cause im the kind that will always stand on my own two feet

ill work real hard and get an education i don't need a mans money

cause im the kinda girl that will fight back

Im a self sufficient girl and i can do it all on my own

I'm the underestimated girl that won't hold back

Mama can't you see im strong

I love this book the movie was good too. I hate the ending, although I understand why George shot Lennie. I mean when Candy's dog was shot and he says he should have shot the dog himself it symbolizes the moment Lennie gets shot. I think in the movie they protrayed curly's wife much worse than in the book.

Dead poets society

I love this movie. It amazes me how much the characters change in the movie. All because a teacher shows them what it's like to be accepted for being themselves. Shows them it's ok to open up and do the things they love. I don't like Neals father at all. He is the kind of parent that tries to live out their dreams through their kids. I hate that because kids are ment to be able to live out their own dreams. The teacher is inspireing. He pushes the boys to do what they want while others beleive in disipline and structure. But it'spossible to be who you are and fight for what you want, while being structured and disiplined.

The way

You got a way with me

You've seen every side of me

Still your here, you didn't run away

No make-up, bad moods, and bad hair days,

You always say "babygirl you take my breath away",

You've got a way it seems,

You make me fight to achive my dreams,,

I gotta say you really got a way,

It's in the way you hold me,

It's in the way you touch me,

The way you showed me just what love is made of,

The way we fight and then make up,

I wish you'd see what I see,

It's the way you love me,

You've got a way with words,

You make me smile even when it hurts,

Your tentle kiss lets me know your here for me,

The look in your eyes is comforting,

I can't believe the way you get through to me,

It's in the way you hold me,

It's in the way you touch me,

The way you showed me just what love is made of,

The way we fight and then make up,

I wish you'd what I see,

It's the way you love me,

I sure do adore you,

There's no one else like you,

I love you because of who you are,

It's in the way you hold me,

It's in the way you touch me,

The way you showed me just what love is mode of,

The way we fight and then make up,

I wish you'd see what I see,

It's the way you love me.

my favorite place to be

I've been asked to describe my favorite place to be. However it's not easy to explain in a physical description. If i had to describe my favorite place physically I would say it's 6 foot 3 inches. Has kind sensitive blue eyes that make you melt. A cute crooked smile that defines him and huge muscular arms you can't feel anything but contentment in. You see my favorite place to be is sitting next to him curled up on the couch watching a movie. Or on a day that I should be crying instead I'm smiling, because yet again he's managed to brighten my day, and raise my spirits. Singing to him because he thinks I sound like an angel. Hanging out with his family because for the first time I fit in with a family other than mine. They are just as crazy as I am. The best place to be is lying down beside him while he gently strokes fly away strands of hair from my face; then softly kisses my for head because he thinks I'm asleep. My favorite place to be is to be is in the presence of Jason Cook, the only man who could prove me wrong when I said love wasn't realistic. The only one who can make me talk when something is wrong. The man who changed my way of thinking and perspective on life. The man who will always be a big part of my life, because even if we don't get married. We will still grow old together simply because he will forever be my best friend. My favorite place to be is in his arms.

my reflection

When you look at me you see a pretty girl. She stands to be about 5 foot 4, has dark chocolate brown hair that hangs to the middle of her back. Her skin complection is medium not fair but not dark either. Her smile brightens the room and her laughter fills the air. But her eyes tell it all. They are big, a deep brown matching the color of her hair almost perfectly. Her eyes tell how she feels, she can have the biggest smile on her face, but when you look in those eyes you can't help but see the pain and sadness; or the anger resentment, and if you catch her on an off day you might just get lucky enough to see her eyes smile. That's when you can look at her and thiknk to yourself now that girl, shes flawless. However when i look in the mirror, i don't see that beauty everyone else talks about i see all my flaws. I don't see myself phyically flawless i don't think it's possible for anyone to see themself flawless in anyway. No matter my mood i put on a smile, get myself dolled up and go out into my everyday life. Hopeing that no one will see how i really feel. Telloing myself if i put on a mask i can fool the world, but can i fool my heart? Look at me you may think you see who i really am. Everyday it's almost as if i play a different roll, everyone believeing they have me all figured out. When in reality no one does. I'm not even sure i do anymore. I mean the world looks at me and says wow what a pretty face. I look at me and ask who this girl really is. I used to know her. But the girl i knew fell in love, fell out of love, trusted, was lied to. After it was all said and done my heart was broken. I lost myself inside myself. By keeping it all in, holding back the tears, fighting new friendships or running off a new found love, I lost who I truely am and became the girl everyone thinks she should be. With time I have discoverd I lost myself. Im working twords becomeing the girl I want to be once again. I will be that girl again who's voice can make a grown man cry. The one who's smile will brighten a room and laughter fills the air. I'll be the strong, confident, independent girl I used to be. Soon my reflection will show who i am inside.

What is a soul mate? Is there such thing? This question used to ponder in my mind all the time. friend would say i think i found the one and I'd laugh and say key word think. You think you love him but does he love you back. Some girls believe in that fairytale kinda love, me not so much. Ive always been the kind that don't believe in love. Seeing my friends fall in love and it not working out or watching my mother go through divorce more than once. Holding together the pieces of the hearts of the people i love when someone rips out their heart and throw it back in their faces. I just never understood why someone would put themselves through the things they do the heart ache and tears never seemed worth it all. So I've always kept up my guard. Never letting anyone in running away anytime i get close and start to somewhat fall for someone. The few times i had fallen I'd get my heart broken time and time again. Trusting is something that has never came easy to me especially when it came to men. After all the lies I'd been told and the promises that were broken I'd decided that I was done falling in love done trusting men and done with relationships in general. And then i met Jason Cook. I had tried and tried to fight it. I didn't want to fall for him. Didn't want to trust him, it was all coming to easy to me. Loving him was easy trusting him was easy; and for the first time since i was four years old, I felt safe in the arms of a man. The last time i felt safe around a man my father turned into the man i now hate. But when I'm in his arms i feel a safety that i no long believed existed. Mama has always said that when I fell in love I'd know it. She said Haley you'll know it when your heart pounds because he smiles at you. And your knees get weak when he kisses you. Then when he holds you tightly in your arms you'll feel a safe contentment you've never felt before. She then kissed my for head tucked me in and said but always remember baby girl no man can ever love you like your mama can. It was the day before he left to go back to the army after his two week Christmas leave that i realized i was in love. Me in love with a man that might actually love me back. I was loved by a man and that astounded me. When i told him i love him he started a conversation I'll never forget. He kissed my lips gently, looked at me with those big blue eyes and said Haley i didn't think it was possible to fall in love at such young age I'm nineteen and even though I've only been with you for a month I've loved you since may 30Th. When I cocked my head and looked at him with a smile and slight confusion he said it was the day i first laid my eyes on you. You were working at McDonald's and although you were pissed and frustrated most likely because of something from work, you smiled when you waited on me. When i told you you had a beautiful smile and should do it more often, your too pretty to frown. You looked at the floor and your face got red and you looked so damn cute. When you smiled at me i knew I had to have you. Not just for a fling kinda thing but i had to have you forever. After that it took Jason weeks to get up the nerve to talk to me again if i wasn't waiting on him he didn't speak to me. Then one day i was cleaning the lobby and was so mad. I hadn't had my break after i had been there for 5 hours, i got 3 hours of sleep the night before and we were busy non-stop. Jason was sitting in the lobby with some people i worked with it was their day off and i was cleaning the table next time them. Speeding around hustling and bustling trying to get the lobby spotless so I could go on break. Jason stood up took the towel out of my hand set it on the table grabbed my shoulders looked me in the eye and said now what did i say about that smile. I couldn't help it and i started to laugh it was the first time that day that a smile crossed my face. i grabbed the towel through it on the counter and said Margo I'm taken my 30. She nodded and i went from then on Jason and i were friends. He wasn't just a friend he was a best friend. Then I got send off to my aunts house for 2 weeks because me and my parents weren't getting along. They took my phone and while i was gone they deleted all my numbers of the people they didn't know or like. He was leaving for basic a few days after i came home and had called mama but she didn't give me the message. We lost touch and the day he graduated from basic a friend of ours got back in touch with me the same day and gave him my number and we talked on the phone for 5 hours. It love took it's course. From then on Jason was someone i talked to on a daily basis. He came home on leave and we spent every waking moment together. Mama loves him my sister adores him and all my friends like him too. I no longer wonder if soul mates are existent. I know I know it's crazy coming from a 17 year old junior but what could be better than spending the rest of your life with your best friend.

So many let fear get the best of them. Yet very few see that fearing it is what makes it scarey. I say it's time you let go of the silly thing called fear and dive in head first. Who knows maybe something you fear is something that could someday make you happy. Diving head first will freak you out the 1 few times but eventully it becomes second nature. You learn to stop being scared because fear is what makes what ever it is your afraid of so scarey. Don't thing take the plunge and do it fearlessly.

Have you ever asked yourself why bother? Why try? Why not give up on people we love? When they hurt you time and time again. With the lies and deception, the manipulation and broken promises. Every time leading to a bigger crack in an already fragile heart. Until eventully your heart collapses in your chest, and although your breathing it feels like your suffocating, feels like you can't let go. Well you can let go is it's ok to give up on someone after fighting for so long. After you've bent over backwards and gone to hell and back to make sure they understood your there and that you love them. After the countless times you've shed pointless undeserved tears. It's ok to give up on someone who doesn't want anyone to give a shit. It's ok it's ecpectable but it isn't right. Because giving up on them means your quiting. Your giving up could make someone else hurt as well.

People always say life is short, so live it up. So you act as if there is no tomorrow living life recklessly and on edge. Then you make a mistake that can change your life forever. Sometimes change is for the better, but how ironic is it that were told to live it up and the moment we do life drags us back down. I find it strange that as we walk the path of life thinking the end is forever away, but we take a wrong turn and realize that the end is closer than expected. Who knew life could contradict itself as if were human. Saying one thing meaning another. Life is a pathway that we think is never ending and walking it can either make the walk longer, shorter or hell walk to fast or slow and the path might end dead in your tracks. People have all kinds of questions that ponder and no answers are returned. How nice it would be if all questions had an answer. Who knows thats life shit happens things change and life goes on throwing new obsticles on your path to heaven, hell, or where ever we may go after life. Its just another question that wont ever be answered by the human race. Another pondering question awaiting another irrelevent answer that never really answers the question in full. Another question that might as well be retoricle.

Only 17

Some believe in love at first sight, others believe that loving is a learned habbit. I on the other hand believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Every person is made to be loved. I beleive this is why God gave us 2 eyes to see 2 hands to touch 2 lips to kiss 2 arms to wrap a loved one up in. Two legs to run away together but only one heart. Giving us only one heart means we search, search for the heart that was ment to match ours. Thats when you see them touch them kiss them hold them and give your heart to them. Everyone has a soul mate everyone can be loved. The short and tall, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, blonde or brunett, everyone has someone. I didn't used to believe in that fairytale love, i thought it was all bs. I mean i used to make fun of the girls that fell so hard and so fast for a guy i knew would walk when they got what they wanted. They would follow these guys around like a little lost puppy dog he'd say jump she'd say how high. I started to believe these girls were being controled that these guys were saying hay go do this or don't do this. However thats when i met someone and realized you say how high to make him happy not because your told to. And he does the same thing for you. I didn't think it was possible to love so strongly at 17, but i met Jason and he changed my entire prespective on relationships, on men, on love, he changed my opinion on life in general. I used to be so negative saw my glass as half empty instead of half full. I was bitter and cold. But now i see the world through rose coloerd glasses. I'm happy and full of adventure. Who would have thought that one man, could change all that. Who would have thought I'd find the heart i was searching for at only 17.

Questions that ponder

We all have questions that run through our head but we never stop to take the time to answer them. Questions like how well do we really know ourselves. I mean it's almost as if when someone says what are your plans after you graduate we stand there looking like an idiot because we haven't the slightest clue. Or the question who controls our lives? Is it God, is it our parents or do we control the choices we make? Or theres always are we all a little color blind if not a physical blindness are we blind to the outside world. Why is it that if you see someone and are repulsed at the sight of them. There is someone they lye next to at night and your falling asleep alone. I believe I do know myself very well i am always 2 steps ahead i have a plan A plan B and a plan C. I have a back up plan for everything and if plan C falls threw then i know it wasn't what was best for me. I then take a step back and reaquaint myself with the idea of having new dreams. Who really controls our lives? I believe we do. Many many people say that it is God that controls our lives bringing us into this world and taking us out when he's ready. I don't believe that is true. I also don't believe that our parents control us. I mean they are here to guide us in the right direction until we go out on our own. I believe that we all make our own decisions. SOme of them leading us to continue a vibrant life full of happiness. Others leading us to misery and death. All of the choices we make our on us, we made them knowing the consequences and have to either A take the consequence and be happy with it or option B run from it like it's the plauge. I find it intresting that people are so quick to judge. You see someone walking down the street and think to yourself I'd kill myself if i had to wake up to that in the morning. Maybe they have someone to wake up to in the morning someone who loves them and would sacrifice thier beating heart before they lost the person you're reulsed by. But who do you wake up to every morning do you have a special someone who would sacrifice thier life so you can live yours? Mose likely not. We tell ourselves that we say these things because we belive they are true. But at the end of the day i believe we are just jealous at the fact that our lives aren't as perfect as we would like them to be. I believe there is no utopia theres no such thing as perfection besides the way people describe the perfect man perfect live perfect kids. It all seems so boring to me. Because life without a little adventure isn't life at all it's simply us waking up and doing the same things in a perticular order having no fun. Living life with no spontineity is like not living life at all.

Lessons learned

I stand outside this strang man's house waiting for my father to tell me what to do next. He had told me to get dolled up that we were going out. I'm 10 years old and i knew when he said were going out it was usually for a drug deal. But i didn't understand why he wanted me to get pretty. Confused I stood there fearing the unknown, wondering waht was going to happen next, frozen in fear. The next thing i knew this strang man ,standing about 6 foot 3 weighing atleast 200 lbs, was chasing my father out of his house with a baseball bat. He begins to beat him and continued beating him until he was finally unconcious. The man then bends down to me and meets me at eye levle and says is this man your father sweetheart. I was scared and at the time had not realized I had tears steaking down my face making riverlike streaks in the make-up daddy had previously made me cake on. I simply shook my head yes, he whiped my tears and said your daddy will be fine but I had to teach him a lesson. I was so confused. What lesson and was he going to teach me the same lesson. He then said your daddy wanted me to let you stay here for the night in exchange for something he needs. Still a little confused i whimpered stay here, but i don't know you. He then replied I know sweetie does your daddy ever hurt you? I shook my head no insantly because daddy had always said if i peeped a word he would hurt my little sister Kelly. He said are you sure because if he does I will make sure he never hurts you again. I shook my head no again. He asked if i wanted to go home and i noded still a little shook up and he took my hand walked me to his car buckled me in the front seat and drove me home. It took me till i was home safe in my bed waiting for my father to return before i understood what the man ment. My father was going to trade my body for his drugs. At the thought i ran to the bathroom feeling dirty and threw up. Then went back to bed and while drifting off i wonder will i be able to sleep through the night without being woken up for another lesson from daddy.

Does it work