People always say life is short, so live it up. So you act as if there is no tomorrow living life recklessly and on edge. Then you make a mistake that can change your life forever. Sometimes change is for the better, but how ironic is it that were told to live it up and the moment we do life drags us back down. I find it strange that as we walk the path of life thinking the end is forever away, but we take a wrong turn and realize that the end is closer than expected. Who knew life could contradict itself as if were human. Saying one thing meaning another. Life is a pathway that we think is never ending and walking it can either make the walk longer, shorter or hell walk to fast or slow and the path might end dead in your tracks. People have all kinds of questions that ponder and no answers are returned. How nice it would be if all questions had an answer. Who knows thats life shit happens things change and life goes on throwing new obsticles on your path to heaven, hell, or where ever we may go after life. Its just another question that wont ever be answered by the human race. Another pondering question awaiting another irrelevent answer that never really answers the question in full. Another question that might as well be retoricle.

Only 17

Some believe in love at first sight, others believe that loving is a learned habbit. I on the other hand believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Every person is made to be loved. I beleive this is why God gave us 2 eyes to see 2 hands to touch 2 lips to kiss 2 arms to wrap a loved one up in. Two legs to run away together but only one heart. Giving us only one heart means we search, search for the heart that was ment to match ours. Thats when you see them touch them kiss them hold them and give your heart to them. Everyone has a soul mate everyone can be loved. The short and tall, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, blonde or brunett, everyone has someone. I didn't used to believe in that fairytale love, i thought it was all bs. I mean i used to make fun of the girls that fell so hard and so fast for a guy i knew would walk when they got what they wanted. They would follow these guys around like a little lost puppy dog he'd say jump she'd say how high. I started to believe these girls were being controled that these guys were saying hay go do this or don't do this. However thats when i met someone and realized you say how high to make him happy not because your told to. And he does the same thing for you. I didn't think it was possible to love so strongly at 17, but i met Jason and he changed my entire prespective on relationships, on men, on love, he changed my opinion on life in general. I used to be so negative saw my glass as half empty instead of half full. I was bitter and cold. But now i see the world through rose coloerd glasses. I'm happy and full of adventure. Who would have thought that one man, could change all that. Who would have thought I'd find the heart i was searching for at only 17.

Questions that ponder

We all have questions that run through our head but we never stop to take the time to answer them. Questions like how well do we really know ourselves. I mean it's almost as if when someone says what are your plans after you graduate we stand there looking like an idiot because we haven't the slightest clue. Or the question who controls our lives? Is it God, is it our parents or do we control the choices we make? Or theres always are we all a little color blind if not a physical blindness are we blind to the outside world. Why is it that if you see someone and are repulsed at the sight of them. There is someone they lye next to at night and your falling asleep alone. I believe I do know myself very well i am always 2 steps ahead i have a plan A plan B and a plan C. I have a back up plan for everything and if plan C falls threw then i know it wasn't what was best for me. I then take a step back and reaquaint myself with the idea of having new dreams. Who really controls our lives? I believe we do. Many many people say that it is God that controls our lives bringing us into this world and taking us out when he's ready. I don't believe that is true. I also don't believe that our parents control us. I mean they are here to guide us in the right direction until we go out on our own. I believe that we all make our own decisions. SOme of them leading us to continue a vibrant life full of happiness. Others leading us to misery and death. All of the choices we make our on us, we made them knowing the consequences and have to either A take the consequence and be happy with it or option B run from it like it's the plauge. I find it intresting that people are so quick to judge. You see someone walking down the street and think to yourself I'd kill myself if i had to wake up to that in the morning. Maybe they have someone to wake up to in the morning someone who loves them and would sacrifice thier beating heart before they lost the person you're reulsed by. But who do you wake up to every morning do you have a special someone who would sacrifice thier life so you can live yours? Mose likely not. We tell ourselves that we say these things because we belive they are true. But at the end of the day i believe we are just jealous at the fact that our lives aren't as perfect as we would like them to be. I believe there is no utopia theres no such thing as perfection besides the way people describe the perfect man perfect live perfect kids. It all seems so boring to me. Because life without a little adventure isn't life at all it's simply us waking up and doing the same things in a perticular order having no fun. Living life with no spontineity is like not living life at all.

Lessons learned

I stand outside this strang man's house waiting for my father to tell me what to do next. He had told me to get dolled up that we were going out. I'm 10 years old and i knew when he said were going out it was usually for a drug deal. But i didn't understand why he wanted me to get pretty. Confused I stood there fearing the unknown, wondering waht was going to happen next, frozen in fear. The next thing i knew this strang man ,standing about 6 foot 3 weighing atleast 200 lbs, was chasing my father out of his house with a baseball bat. He begins to beat him and continued beating him until he was finally unconcious. The man then bends down to me and meets me at eye levle and says is this man your father sweetheart. I was scared and at the time had not realized I had tears steaking down my face making riverlike streaks in the make-up daddy had previously made me cake on. I simply shook my head yes, he whiped my tears and said your daddy will be fine but I had to teach him a lesson. I was so confused. What lesson and was he going to teach me the same lesson. He then said your daddy wanted me to let you stay here for the night in exchange for something he needs. Still a little confused i whimpered stay here, but i don't know you. He then replied I know sweetie does your daddy ever hurt you? I shook my head no insantly because daddy had always said if i peeped a word he would hurt my little sister Kelly. He said are you sure because if he does I will make sure he never hurts you again. I shook my head no again. He asked if i wanted to go home and i noded still a little shook up and he took my hand walked me to his car buckled me in the front seat and drove me home. It took me till i was home safe in my bed waiting for my father to return before i understood what the man ment. My father was going to trade my body for his drugs. At the thought i ran to the bathroom feeling dirty and threw up. Then went back to bed and while drifting off i wonder will i be able to sleep through the night without being woken up for another lesson from daddy.

Does it work

cinderella story

People always wonder about the true story of cinderella. Always ask was it really that bad, well I'm here to tell you it is. My mother has been married 3 times you say wow thats alot i say it's becasue she knows she deserves the best adn if she marries a man that isn't treating her like the best she leaves. I'm ok with that what I'm not ok with is the fact that no matter how hard a try I'm never enough for any of the men i have called daddy. My biological father didn't love me for the reason that a father loves his daughter. My first step-dad didn't want me because well I am a girl and he wanted all boys wanted big boys who can play sports he likes to live out the dreams through them. So i gave up on having a daddy daughter relationship with him. Then him and mama split and she remarried. This time i was not ready to share her i mean i was about 11 at this time and when they atarted dating i hated him. Hated him with every ounce of negativity i had in my little body. Then i saw how mama felt about him. I saw that her eyes lit up again and she talked on the phone for hours at a time jsut talking to him about pretty much nothing. I had to give the man that made my mama happy a chance so I started to be nice. Eventully we moved in with his daughter and his son. She married him and we played happy little family. Well as i continued to grow up I started to see that my new sister Jessie was always first. She could get away with murder i simply cop an additude and I get grounded for a week how is that fair at all. I finally realized that I'm never going to have a daddy daughter relationship with any man that entered my life. I wouldn't have a man give me away at my weding without it i refuse to let that happen.But ive come to the realization that I don't need to have that relationship, because i have a relationship with my mom that no one could replace.

I could have avoided all this trouble if i would have...

My daughter asked me today mama when was your first time. I swollow hard and decide if i don't tell her the truth she just might make the same mistake I did n give it up to the wrong one. I met a boy at work and his eyes make my stomach turn. His smile made me believe every word that escaped from him lips. When he touched me my heart skiped a beat, his name was Clint. I was 16 he was 18 and i thought he was the one. I thought the love i felt would be forever. I was bound and determined to keep him and nothing would stop me from doing what ever it took. You see he wasn't a virgin i was, so of corse he was more experienced and wanted it alot. I was scared and i knew i wasn't ready but i knew if i didn't he would go out and get it from someone else and i didn't want that. So I told him i wanted to sleep with him. He asked me a few times if i was ready and I insisted i was insisted that i loved him and wanted to show him how much. Afterwards i felt dirty felt guilty felt stupid felt empty. Like someone had taken my most prized possesion. He hadn't taken it i had given it away witch only made me feel worse when a week later i did it again and few days after we broke up. I could have avoided all that trouble if i would have just followed my heart and listened to the wise words of my mother. Don't give it away until you know one hundred percent YOUR ready. The decision is yours and no one else's because if he really loves you like he'll say he does he will wait.