cinderella story

People always wonder about the true story of cinderella. Always ask was it really that bad, well I'm here to tell you it is. My mother has been married 3 times you say wow thats alot i say it's becasue she knows she deserves the best adn if she marries a man that isn't treating her like the best she leaves. I'm ok with that what I'm not ok with is the fact that no matter how hard a try I'm never enough for any of the men i have called daddy. My biological father didn't love me for the reason that a father loves his daughter. My first step-dad didn't want me because well I am a girl and he wanted all boys wanted big boys who can play sports he likes to live out the dreams through them. So i gave up on having a daddy daughter relationship with him. Then him and mama split and she remarried. This time i was not ready to share her i mean i was about 11 at this time and when they atarted dating i hated him. Hated him with every ounce of negativity i had in my little body. Then i saw how mama felt about him. I saw that her eyes lit up again and she talked on the phone for hours at a time jsut talking to him about pretty much nothing. I had to give the man that made my mama happy a chance so I started to be nice. Eventully we moved in with his daughter and his son. She married him and we played happy little family. Well as i continued to grow up I started to see that my new sister Jessie was always first. She could get away with murder i simply cop an additude and I get grounded for a week how is that fair at all. I finally realized that I'm never going to have a daddy daughter relationship with any man that entered my life. I wouldn't have a man give me away at my weding without it i refuse to let that happen.But ive come to the realization that I don't need to have that relationship, because i have a relationship with my mom that no one could replace.

I could have avoided all this trouble if i would have...

My daughter asked me today mama when was your first time. I swollow hard and decide if i don't tell her the truth she just might make the same mistake I did n give it up to the wrong one. I met a boy at work and his eyes make my stomach turn. His smile made me believe every word that escaped from him lips. When he touched me my heart skiped a beat, his name was Clint. I was 16 he was 18 and i thought he was the one. I thought the love i felt would be forever. I was bound and determined to keep him and nothing would stop me from doing what ever it took. You see he wasn't a virgin i was, so of corse he was more experienced and wanted it alot. I was scared and i knew i wasn't ready but i knew if i didn't he would go out and get it from someone else and i didn't want that. So I told him i wanted to sleep with him. He asked me a few times if i was ready and I insisted i was insisted that i loved him and wanted to show him how much. Afterwards i felt dirty felt guilty felt stupid felt empty. Like someone had taken my most prized possesion. He hadn't taken it i had given it away witch only made me feel worse when a week later i did it again and few days after we broke up. I could have avoided all that trouble if i would have just followed my heart and listened to the wise words of my mother. Don't give it away until you know one hundred percent YOUR ready. The decision is yours and no one else's because if he really loves you like he'll say he does he will wait.

Fluffy pillow clouds and talking animals

As small children we all have imaginations that get the best of us. We were off in our own worlds and as we imagined clouds like fluffy pillows and animals that could talk it made things in life we experienced alot easier to get through. We'd be upset for a short bit but no more than an hour later we'd already be over it. The thing is as I've gotten older the obsticles life throws become more current happening everyday. Stressing me out, scaring me, making me want to run and hide. Hide almost as if I were once again a child. Once again hiding in the bottom of your closet waiting for your parents to stop fighting so you knew it was safe to come out. Waiting for my father to just pass out already so you could finally drift off into a peacful slumber and dream about fluffy pillow clouds and animals that could talk. Getting away from the real world problems. Getting away from people that didn't care and only wanted to hurt someone else becasue they thought THIER lives were bad. The slightly humorus reality about the whole thing is that as a child no matter how much someone hurt you you couldn't help but forgive and forget. As you get older you loose that ablity forcing yourself to remember things that were said and done. Holding on to grudges forever just waiting and wishing you could go back. Well going back isn't going to hjappen somehting we all must come to realization with. Life wasn't ment to be lived while walking on egg shells and if you don't like how life is going simply sit back close you eyes and imagine fluffy pillow clouds and talking animals. Becasue even if it's not real you can close your eyes and even if it's just for a minuet or two you can be that fearless worry free child again.

In all of our lives we all have someone who is telling us we can't. When in reality the only person that can decide what you are and aren't capable of is you. Taking those first steps when you were a baby weren't easy. I took alot of exhuasting work and you didn't do it alone but YOU did it. Getting that bike to stay up while you tried to coast down that street was even harder and when you mom or dad let go it got even scarier but you did it. This time with a little less help. All things in life there are people saying you can't but you can and the only one you need to believe in you is you.
It's always been your pretty haley but your not good enough. Your beautiful haley but your not smart enough. Your georgous haley but your not strong enough. I'm the kind that has to always have a plan every little aspect of my life has to be planned i have lots of goals for my future becasue of this. There are so many that don't believe i can do this, but what they don't know about me is I'm probably the hardest working determined person on the face of this planet and I get fulfilment out of proving others wrong. So let them tell me i can't do it it only makes me want it more.
I'm getting my bachelors degree in criminal justice. I'm going to major in criminal justice and minor in phycology. So here i am, I'm taking my first steps thought I'd loose balance but i caught myself. I kinda like the challange, no i don't need help. I'm going to make it past the start it's always been the harders part. I am going to stay in controle, I must admit this crutch is getting old. I'm throwing it out of my hand. I;m fianlly here i understand. I'm going to get there on my own.

Breaking the unbreakable

Some people say they are unbreakable some say that nothing and no one gets to them. Nothing can make them break down and cry. The truth is we all have a breaking point. No matter how hard things get no matter what the cercumstance we all have those moments when we can't go on with out sheding another tear. I always try to hold them back Ive been that girl that says shes unbreakable and let me tell you it hurts ten times worse. But when your broken into a million little pieces and your trying but you can't hold on anymore, every tear falls down for a reason. Don't let things beat you up. Hitting walls and getting scars only make you who you are. No matter how much your heart is breaking there is beauty in every broken heart. So let the tears fall. Just because you shed them don't mean your not strong becasue the truth of the matter is even the strongest people let go sometimes. You can't be brave all the time.

Every girl is entitled to her own secrets. Some are kept deep down inside, ones that she tries so despretly to forget. Clutching on to every little bit of hope that her worst nightmires didn't really come true that it was all just a dream. I have my own dark secrets held inside and the more i try to forget the more i think about them the more i remember the words that were unsaid. Making it hard to forget the ones that were said. My cries and sobs so loud inside my head and even still they are silent to the world outside. Almost as if I'm in my own world, a world that gets scareier every day i live in it. You see when a loved one hurts you it gets so hard believe that they hurt you and have no remorce. No guilt, no nothing. As if they have a heart of ice and a soul made of stone. Questions ponder and no answers are ever returned for the simple fact that they have no clue as to why they broke a heart so fragile a heart that was at one time unbroken, once unbreakable.

Not alone but lonely still

I sit not alone but lonely still
Waiting for him to teach me the skill
I wonder if he loves me, does he know it hurts me so
Does he know my heart is broken from all the lies that he has told
So many questions asked and still no answers returned
My innocence gone now, no fight left in me
No one hears hushed cries or the sound of his heart beat
No one will believe so why say a thing
They’ll say I’m too young to know what rape means
I play the role of daughter, sister, house maid, and sex slave
Big girls don’t cry he say’s I wouldn’t do this is you’d just behave
Daddy’s time is daddy’s time so the summer time I dread
If only I could tell somebody, clear these thoughts from my head
I don’t know how to tell mama the man that she once loved
Hurts the girl she brought into this world

the one who needs her hugs
Maybe one day daddy will see, I’m not just a toy
I have emotions and feelings and someday, I WILL be loved by a boy
He is wrong for what he’s done to me, and the price he will pay
For he is gone to me still alive but in my heart I see his grave
My father sits not alone but lonely still
Waiting for his cell mate to teach him the skill